Greenhouse

 

For several years I have been treated for depressive disorder.Besides the fact that I eat pills, I also write morning pages and list all the good things that happened to me in a day. These notes do not allow the emptiness in my chest to grow and fill with itself all the available space.  This is a part of my therapy. This is a ongoing personal  project in the form of a diary in which I explore my anxieties, dreams and fears. Being isolated and enable to be among other people is very difficult. I hide the feeling of isolation and nervousness in my notes.I fill this project with sketches from my retreat and quotes from my diaries. Working on it, noticing moments in which I feel like in a fairy tale, I put off the moment at which I can not stand my isolation and break. I try to concentrate on the good things, this is my lifebuoy. The most beautiful thing is that even I do not know how it will all end for me.

Where do I see myself in 10 years? I became a jellyfish.

Where do I see myself in 20 years? I am a jellyfish - captain of a ship.

In general, this is not important, the main thing that I would like in 5 years, 10, 68 years is to be happy.

I had a dream: cock in the form of a clam, musicians dolls in pants with cutouts on the buttocks, Ezra Miller playing with me in a performance staged by the Russian Orthodox Church about the humpbacked horse, singing in Russian with an accent. Before the performance, I sprayed grass on a hill with a spray gun. I sang a song in the play - "My brother, don't go hiking" According to the script, my brother was Ezra. Very chaotic dream.

I remind myself of the pea shoots that my grandmother plants in the greenhouse. The sun shines on me through large windows, I have my own micro climate and great potential for growth.

I think I got a little sick.Outside the window is drizzling, overcast, i have a blocked nose, sore throat, despite the fact that I just woke up, I want to sleep for another 10 hours.

I dreamed something that I wanted to remember. But obviously this did not happen. On top of that dream, I had a few more dreams. I conclude - if you want to remember a dream, you need to wake up and write down!

My schedule has a new rule: every day at 5 p.m. I have a nap for exactly 20 minutes. I put on my comfortable T-shirt, close the curtains and turn off the lights.I set the alarm clock and go to bed. You need to get used to it.

I spent 10 days in isolation. Improvising: I built a camera obscura in the bedroom, now the street is right in my house. Physics is amazing.

Today I took care of myself.I did not allow myself to get involved in the bustle.I was thinking about that if Jan Svoboda was so immersed in Zen, then I can too.

Today I had a dream about a calendar of simple things. This is a year calendar with vector drawings of a loaf, a chair, a jug.

Morning. It seems to me that I have another depressive episode.I want to lie in bed all day. My internal strength is not enough for productive work. And it begins to seem to me that this is just a defensive reaction of the body to the fact that I'm afraid to start working seriously.

Today I really want to sit in a noisy pub and stick with my feet to the sticky floor. I've grown wild as a hippo.

The week is full of thirst for knowledge. I am looking for answers to my questions. Do cats have tonsils? Why does the boy want to Tambov? Does Lenin like his Mausoleum?

This whole situation is not conducive to serious pursuits, so I read the Witcher fanfiction. Then in a dream I was a Geralt of Rivia who had sex with another Geralt of Rivia. Lately, my dreams are just delightfully insane, as well as wakefulness.

It's hard for me to start shooting again.I always scold myself for not good enough ideas, even though I know that I am only studying and I need to give myself a chance. But getting thoughts together is very difficult. I started taking self-portraits and I also need to continue to shoot them. I am like a giant motionless rock, which is sharpened by waves of uncertainty and procrastination. There are two ways out: either I step down into a small pebble of mediocrity, or I become an unbending stern cliff of creativity. I don’t want to be a pebble.

I am grateful for: the opportunity to start something new, a sunny morning, painkillers.

Three good things that happened to me today: I lay in bed with food, I saw 4 neighboring cats that came to our garden to lie in the sun, played to the farm on the computer, did not lose.

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KORNEEVA MARIIA